Thursday, September 15, 2011
Fade to grey
After having a sspectacularly wonderful morning, Cam had one little incident spilling his water at school and has been manic ever since. This morning he was sweet, kind, compliant, eager to please, and in general a happy kid. This afternoon, he is violent, angry, jittery, talking non stop gibberish, deliberately looking for things to destroy, and in general a miserable kid. I hate that I get to see the kid he can be for half an hour and get my hopes up for a good day only to have them dashed to pieces by a spilled cup of water for Lord knows how long. Days, weeks, months go on like this. I can see it in his eyes how very out of control he feels, and how much he is trying to fight it, he just can't seem to win for long. Will anyone else ever see the sweet, kind, funny, coherent kid but me? Will he ever get control of his own mind? When he's a grown man, will he be able to keep himself from hurting the people he loves the most? Will I be able to keep our family safe from him until we get his meds right? Will I be able to hold it together through all this chaos to bring my family to the other side of this persistent menace that is mental illness? There are too many questions that I have no answers for, and too many that I do have the answers for that I just want to hide from. I used to be an optimist, and now I am forced to be a realist. It's not a role I like, but it is a role I must take on if there are going to be plans for their futures. I cannot be a pollyanna and just hope that it all turns out right, I have to make the hard choice to look to their futures and make plans for the worst, while hoping for better than we have now.